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Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004
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11:02 am - Pissed
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I am upset because my brother is not commenting on my stupid essy. Oh well, maybe he hates me as much as my sweet, loving and oh so innocent, everyone in the world is against her (especially me) sister.
current mood:  cranky
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| Saturday, March 20th, 2004
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10:37 am - Just woke up
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I am planning to write a book so I have decided to start using my journal again...whatever it will last a few days maybe even weeks but it won't last long. This week I had a test in Biology...I had no idea what half of the things she had in there meant...and I am super ultra pissed that, damn...I just gorgot why...that has been happening a lot lately...oh yeah...now I remember, I have changed my major and no longer need this course...I need a course below it...so I suppose I will do very good in this course when I take it next semester. I was thinking of doing all of my classes online next semester ...getting up to go to school and dealing with all of the people is going to be a total drag again, I think. I mean I don't mind it tooo terribly much, but sometimes it bugs me that I don't have a permit so I have to park by Pizza hut, which means I have to walk across that big assed street with all of the people in their cars wondering how I got so fat and why I am so ugly. That is the part that bothers me a bit. I try to stave it off by talking on the telephone but when the wind is up I know I am just annyoying the hell out of my friend because it is blowing in their ear. What am I going to do when we don't have the cell anymore, which will be at the end of the month...I suppose I will have to fake talk, heheheh or at least pick myself up a pair of cheap sunglasses. What is it with sunglasses?? I mean I guess I just don't think they are worth putting any money into cuz I lose them so fast. But some people I know are so totally obsessed with them that they freak if they can't find them. I guess I could look at it as if I couldn't find money to get a beer...need to start looking at life that way, but it is very hard. I need to spend this weekend reading one chap of Biology and one of Psycology...can't spell that one. I also need to work on revising my profile essay on Grandma, that means I need to call her, I suppose that is ok. I need to get at least half of this done today so that I can start drinking by five or six cuz that is when I want to most. Oh yeah, and finish the gardening project I started up front, it looks a lot better than it did before and I am tre proud of myself. That almost became my major here recently to become a botanist but I am set on the whole English teacher thing and ESL. I have to focus two classes on Spanish but then I am going to start on either German or French. Would like to come out of college having mastered at least 3 languages and sufficience in 2 (pref chinese and Italian) then we can spend the rest of our lives traveling around the world teaching English to all the poor people who don't know it yet...woe is them, heheheh. Ok well my back hurts now and if I keep writing I won't feel like updating anything.
current mood:  exanimate
current music: Anything that rox
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| Friday, March 19th, 2004
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5:57 pm - Mid term
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Here is my Mid term and I don't care if you like it or not because I hate you all.
Tammy L. Ramirez
English 101
Mandy Page
Final Draft
03/19/04
Water Baby
“Warning: Hypothermia risk after 20 minutes exposure” “Warning: Dangerous undertows offshore just at 12 foot rift!! Swimming not recommended!!” All of our/my life we walked past these signs to the beaches and rivers up and down our little piece of the North Coast. They never stopped us when we couldn’t read them, why would they now that we could? I mean our parents would have been in the same boat at one time (excuse the pun) yet they swam too. I grew up in a town by the name of Mckinleyville. It is located on the northern coast of California in Humboldt County. It is a beautiful place to have grown up in. On one side of us you have the Pacific Ocean. To the other side you have mountains that seem to continue on forever and rivers that seem to wind for miles like an unfortunate ball of yarn that a mischievous cat has had it’s fun with and left twisted and tangled on a mountainous tree filled floor. The weather there is almost always a steady 55-60 degrees and you could almost be guaranteed that it was misting outside no matter what time of the year it was. Every plant in that county is kissed with dew and always blooming something and always green and healthy. That is probably why we are most famous for the pot crops there. However, there are other very beautiful plants there as well. The plants are not what I have always been fascinated with though, it is the water.
The first house I lived in as a child was on Ocean Drive. It was located on an old part of town that was slowly giving way to the river that run at the bottom of the high cliffs to the back of this street. We lived on the “dry” side of Ocean Drive and simply had to cross the street to see the river below. You would think our parents would have been worried about our easy access to the beach but they began teaching us at a very young age to respect water and about the tides. At high tide the “Little River” rushed along the bottom of the cliffs taking with it ever so slowly the sandstone walls of our little town. You could sit on the cliffs edge and throw rocks into it or driftwood, to watch the current take it away downstream. This river started off of the “Mad” (which was a seemingly large river that really wasn’t as big as its name) then emptied out into the ocean not but 3 miles south of where we lived. Then it traveled out of the Arcata Bottoms around our little town finally spilling into the ocean at Moonstone beach. Now, at low tide the river smoothed out very nicely and became but a few feet deep and not quite so wide. This was when you slid down the makeshift trail to the beach to hunt for things. We would go there to gather driftwood of all shapes and sizes for our grandmothers’ yard. Or we would hunt for jellyfish or specific kinds of seaweed. My favorite type was the Bull Kelp Whips. These were so much fun. The only way to describe them would be to think of a very long whip maybe 15 feet with a large bulbous looking end which you held and then tried to whip everyone. Your arms would get tired real fast but it was worth it if you could make someone cry. The other end split off usually about 6 times and stung your body with it’s wet sand covered tendrils leaving quite a welt to remind you for days how much “fun” you had.
We had two babysitters on that street. One was “Big” Sherry and the other was “Little Sherry”. Now big Sherry did not live nearby like little Sherry who was on the “Wet” side of our street almost just across from us. Now Sherry had a horse or two in her backyard but no fence. This had me constantly worried about her horses. You see, if you were to stand in her backyard it would appear to just end right into the ocean, which technically it did. Walking to the back edge you would find yourself about 300 feet above the smooth grey waters of the river below. I was sure that those horses were going to fall so everyday I was across that street checking on them and they were always there. I suppose I should have given them a bit more credit, I mean I am sure that they didn’t want to fall, but they spent so much time at the edge. Perhaps it was the view of the river below. Or the fact that if you looked out at just the right time across the mile or so of shell filled and seaweed covered sand you would see the foaming white waves of the ocean rhythmically pounding the ever-changing coastline. Then looking out toward the horizon you would see the sun setting seemingly into the very ocean itself and spilling out colors all across the clouds of blue, pink and red. I think this may have pleased the horses just as much as it pleased me.
My father loved to let us go to the river or the ocean. Whenever we went to the ocean it was the best. Depending on what beach we would go to we always did a variety of things. We would sometimes head out to Clam beach. You would have to walk for a while from where you parked but it was always worth it. Getting there you went through hundreds of yards of sand hills. These hills were all covered with Knife Brush that could cut any part of you right off if you used it just the right way. These green seemingly harmless plants could grow to about 7 feet tall with long spindly green leaves growing the full extent of the plant. It you ran your fingers up from the plant on one of its leaves it would be soft and smooth. But, if you ran your fingers down it the plants little spikes would stop it right in it tracks. Us cousins were constantly trying to get one another with them by breaking one off and sneaking up behind someone and ripping the leaf across exposed skin. It would be so funny when the unlucky kid would start screaming and trying to find an adult to ease the painful red rash it would leave across their skin. At the end of the hills you could always find a good spot to jump off of into the deep dry sand below. We would always search for the highest point, sometime 15 feet or more. Back up as far as we could, then just haul butt running and jump right off the edge…don’t recall anyone breaking anything but thinking back it is a wonder that none of us did. Continuing the walk you would find yourself in wet sand full of every shell imaginable. We all preferred finding Sand Dollars which washed up on the shores quite a bit. They were circular and not worth a damn if you didn’t find them whole. My dad always said that they were skeletons of little sea creatures but I preferred to just think of them as old, abandoned houses and nothing more. The water was so cold once you hit it that within minutes you were so numb that you didn’t care. We would swim all day long no matter rain or shine. Then dad would whip out a bag of Doritos to help stave off the hunger for the short drive home. Which I would almost always fall asleep on anyway dreaming about the water and how much I loved it.
I continued visiting these familiar swimming holes all through my childhood and into my adulthood to this day. It never occurred to me that one day I would be swimming thousands of miles south of my hometown in waters I never imagined existed. In “97” we drove about 3500 miles south to Mexico, I mean Deep South to live for a few years. Now these guys have some excellent swimming spots. The town we were in mostly had pools but we are talking HUGE pools. I mean they connect and connect till you can’t even see to the other side… and the people, you would not believe the people…they were everywhere, always. I always felt like I was at a water park in Japan on Sunday. Packed into these large water parks after working 6 hard days with no time off. In a sense, the Japanese and these Mexican people were very much in the same boat as far as working and needing time to unwind. I loved the water there though, despite all of the people. It was naturally warmed by the constant flow from the springs below. The “Manatales” ran through mineral filled caverns all over under our feet. If you knew the right places to go you would get the chance to experience something wonderful. So, just up the road you would travel, east of town, after a few miles the road would turn to dirt with well driven grooves that could bounce your car into submission if you let them. Following this road about a mile or so you’d encounter a makeshift parking lot in the middle of what seemed to be the desert…or deserted. The smells of roasting pumpkin seed and Pollo Loco (roasted chickens you could buy on the street) invade your senses immediately as you make your way down to what appear to be just a very wide shallow stream…yes, full of broken bottles, cans etc, but you just avoided those. Most often you would wear shoes. Now to the left you see where the water is flowing from. It looks much like a crack in the ground that would be made from a very strong earthquake. Water running from this mouth is a little deeper than the stream. As you enter children and families afraid to swim watch you atop the walls that hover about six feet above you. As you move further in the current becomes stronger and the once twelve foot across gap is now about a five foot opening. It is somewhat dark and a good sized pool of about five feet deep awaits you at the end of this surreal trail of about 200 feet. The pool could be imagined as the size of a large hot tub with water whirling about from all of the trails that surround it going father under the ground. If you looked to your left you would see about a three foot opening that with a flashlight would take you into the city after walking long enough…if you weren’t too scared. I was, ten fifteen feet in I was screaming and laughing trying to get out to the light and the open as fast as I could.
Swimming in Mexico had a lot of impact on me, I had become so used to my little niche in the world that I was sure nowhere else could be as wonderful and exciting. I guess I learned a lesson those few years there and have become much more adventurous in where I go to swim. I have not gone back to Mexico since May of 99' I have not swam in my ocean or my rivers for years as well. I miss both very much because both have become part of my most precious and frightening memories about water and being in it. I am a kook when it comes to water, and I will always be. Here’s to finding more swimming holes in my life, I cannot think of a better thing to look forward to.
“When I die, sprinkle my ashes on Whiskeytown Lake” my mother always said…she is there to this day forever sunning and swimming in her favorite spot and someday, when my life has lived all it could I will join her there where we can sprinkle our hair with lemon water and lounge on our dollar store “floaties”.
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| Tuesday, August 12th, 2003
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3:59 pm - Ok...I have 2 minutes
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So, looking back I see that I have put a few entries in this thing. Hi Tyler,,,I know you will be surprised. Things were going pretty crappy there for a while, but I guess now it it all back to normal. I hate the way life throws all these shitty little things at you, and I hate it even more when it seems like you have all dealt with and then bam!! 3 more shitty little things.
Dent in new car
Stereo stolen out of old ugly car
Irritating, dishonest Peruvian girl lies about skills, takes dream job and sicks fat husband on me and family
God damn child tax credit check held up for unknown reasons
But....we are going to Disney in 11 days so I think that is something to look forward to
I did get an 8.2% raise...whoo hooo, but it is better than what I was making.
I found an awesome-otum daycare and accredited pre-school to enroll Stefano and America in.
All of my therapy is covered 100%.
heheheheheheh
current mood: awake
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| Tuesday, January 15th, 2002
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3:49 pm - Not sure
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God my life totally suckolas lately. I don't know what I am doing wrong but nothing seems to be working out right. I think that if I write about it I will feel better but I doubt it. Someone will read this take things the wrong way blah de blah. I am really screwing up on the homefront...I love beer but had an episode with it a few months back and ever since, when I drink it I start to have fun but it ends in a fight or whatever. I give.
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| Saturday, November 24th, 2001
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1:32 am - me
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| Saturday, October 20th, 2001
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6:33 pm - Shmyler
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Shmyler is making me update my journal. So instead of showering which I have not done in 4 days due to a sinus infection I have to get on line and write stuff about my happy oh so happy life.....
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| Thursday, September 20th, 2001
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12:47 am - uhhhhhhhhhhhh
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I am thinking that I am updating an entry in some sibling thing...hopefully so..
Uh..I have vivid memories of a brother or two trying to drown me in a wading pool in Redding...hmmmmm I wonder if the one brother that is part of this group would remember that...yeah thanks for tellin me about this group guys...yes I have two brothers in this community...bastards!!! Leaving me out as usual...sister of 5...I am the middle child..can't you tell???
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12:24 am - What I have to say
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Ok, so I know that I have to say something about all of this or I will burst.
I am sad. Damnit...I like walking around like I own "the Place"...you know?? I like thinking that nothing can penetrate our defenses that nothing can change our way of life...hell, I like being cocky. So, what do I do now?? Knowing that Mohammad at the nearest middle eastern restaurant could hurt me??? ME?? Come on...but it is the way i live now...I liked being invincible...I want it back...I mean if something like this can happen...then yes...Aliens do exist and have for years....yes, a vampire can come in the night and suck my blood. I mean totally unfathomable you know? Do I protest the Mosque in my city? I am not scared..I am worried but ready...I hope that we can all remain that way.
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| Monday, August 20th, 2001
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2:35 pm - Just because
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I have really been enjoying beer lately. Why is beer sooooo yummy? Yes, I love beer. It is good good good. I think that lately it has tasted better than it ever has. Maybe because I am using it to feel better about our crappin money situation at home. I just know that my stomach gets all tense and knotted up and then I have a beer and slowly it loosens up and I feel mucho mejor.....I never thought that money would make my tummy ball up..but it does...I would really like to be able to take my daughter school clothes shopping...but something tells me that if I don't pay the mortgage for July and August there may be trouble. But beer doesn't tell me that...beer just says..kick back Tammy...relax...everything will be ok at least for a few hours and then you can just sleep...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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| Tuesday, July 17th, 2001
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11:01 am - I know not
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Ok. So I am mad at the world. I do not and have not felt 100% in so long. I am very angry at my husband because he brought his sister here to live with us. It cost us a whole hell of a lot of money and I doubt if we will ever see it back. It has caused countless problems for us...I mean I can't even begin to explain the way that I feel toward Carlos right now. It is like this total lack of respect. I mean I can't look at him the same way you know?? I mean, I used to see him as this strong no bullshit taking man. But I have seen him put up with shit from this woman that I would have never thought in a million years he would put up with. I can't stand her. She is a manipulative little bitch. I mean she has told me things that Carlos would just flip out over...she walks around like her shit don't stink and believe me it does. She lies about everything just so that she can avoid getting into trouble and then waits for it all to blow over so that she can continue to screw everyone around her even more. I mean ...well, I really don't want to go into too much detail...but the straw for me was when I put my son on her bed and went to go and put on a load of laundry and when I returned to her room one of her loser lame-ass manipulative scumball friends had went through our garage and into her room and was standing in the bathroom with her. So I was like "What the Fuck?!?!?!" and she was like all snotty "I am just waiting for Rocio" and I told her to wait the fuck outside then. I mean my young son was there and she could have just taken him off...just like that. It makes me sick. Then Carlos got up and freaked out on her and promised me that that was it she was out of there...but then the next day had this big long conversation with her and she was sooooo sorry for everything and promised that she wouldn't hang out with those people anymore and that she would clean up her act and start being more responsible blah blah.
(oh, like I fucken care really. I am not and Carlos is not there either to be this fucken ladies' parents she is fucken 22 years old for gods fucken sake!!!)
so Carlos got all soft and said she could stay and promised me that she would start helping out around the house and such...that night she was out with them again and well anyway...nothing is new and I want her the fuck away. The last straw. She borrowed 800 bucks from us and carlos gave it to her out of our mortgage payment and then when it came time to pay up she only gave us 400 and said that she would get us that rest later. I mean what the fuck is that?!?! She knows that I am not working and it is obvious that we have no money...but she just thinks that well, anyhow. She is supposed to move out...I keep telling myself that this is true but I don't know. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I hate my life right now. On top of it all this problem. I find myself wondering who will take care of my kids if I don't make it???
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| Friday, May 25th, 2001
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2:51 pm - My Violet
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Someone hit my Violet yesterday and just drove on. She was the sweetest little cat in the world. Daughter to Luna and sister to Aimee. Poor little baby...she was hurt so bad and I was not here to save her...or help her. The fuckers just hit her and drove on...a neighbor called animal control to come and get her and put her to sleep. I wish she was still here...I miss the way she liked to sleep on the new laundry on the couch. I miss the way that she meowed just in between the way Aimee howled and Luna barely squeaked. I miss the way that she hated you to play with her paws and didn't like it when you pinched all the fat on her belly. I miss the way she would rub all over your legs telling you how much she loved you. I miss the way she would go in the bath after us and step all over it and leave her pawprints everywhere. The way she would cuddle right up to you and sleep as long as you didn't touch her. The way that she would sleep in the exact same position as America every night and loved her so much. It is hard to think of everything that she meant to us. It is hard to believe that she is gone and it is hard to watch America try to talk about something and then stop to cry because her favorite cat is gone.
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| Tuesday, April 24th, 2001
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4:55 pm - Goin home
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whoo hoo...it is the end of the day and I am killing my last 2 minutes with this. I get taken to lunch on Thursday...mmmmm all u can eat round table pizza. Fuck the salad bar..doh...except the ranch. Give me pepperoni and cheese and cheese sticks and water. oh, and cinnamony things ...dessert. The best part of all u can eat is that...I can eat as much as I want. Cept we go to early and I have to sit and moan and groan for 4 more fricken hours...oh well, can't look a gift horse in the mouth...mmmm horse...I hungry!!!
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11:59 am - Big II
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Ok, so I am really trying this whole update my journal thing. I know that someday I will be glad I did. Of course I have ripped up every journal I have ever had...so when I don't want this anymore what do I do?? So, I had my baby shower this weekend. It was quite a joyous event...no really. About 10 people showed and we played games and ate and were merry. Leah was supposed to be the hostess but I think I pretty much took over. Nothing new I guess. I am glad not as many persons showed as I had invited...I would have driven myself batty. I got a lot of neat stuff but could always use more. I am still very surprised that I got what I got. I feel a little loved. They have started a pool for when the baby is due. Could my journal entry be more boring?? Anyhow. They are putting a dollar in for each entry. Weird huh?? A bunch of persons betting when my little boy will be out. Still makes me feel good that persons even care I guess. I wish some more interesting stuff was going on right now but the boy pretty much takes the cake. My garden was rototilled yesterday...that is sooooooo exciting. Again another fun and exciting part of my journal entry. Carlos worked his ass off all day long. They got my fence done too. So today I am going to buy a hoe and moss. Since I used all of my compost on the garden. I am getting all of my flowers in and all my starts are more than ready to go out and grow grow grow. Ok, I must return to my oh so exciting life.
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| Friday, April 20th, 2001
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9:31 am - Big
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NO not the funny movie...me. Goodness I feel large. I have 4 weeks to go until I pop and I am just now feeling it. I mean for months I have been doing everything I could...you know, gardening, moving furniture picking up other kidlets who somehow end up running around my house all the time. Now I get home and I am like BLAH!! I just want to lay, no sit because laying is uncomfortable, no lay. I mean I can keep trying...eventually I will find a comfortable position right?? Right now I am sitting at the front desk covering phones because we fired the receptionist and decided that instead of hiring a new one all of us in the office would take turns with the phones. So Stefano's head is firmly placed on my pour silly-puddy resembling bladder which has been flattened out and only holds about half a cup of well, liquid. There is nothing worse in this world than having to go to the bathroom hourly and only going 1/2 a cup. I mean the doc says drink drink. Goodness...If I drank as much as she wanted I would be out every 30 minutes!!! I think what is going to suck worse though is when he is born. Then I will just be fat again. Not "oh so cute!! She is so pregnant..." just "oh, look...I wonder how long it will take her to get skinny again..." Heee heee well it took me five years with America...then I gained it back just in time to get pregnant again...I guess I can cross that bridge when it comes...I go to Olive Garden today. mmmmm All you can eat soup and salad...skip the salad and pass the garlicky, buttery bread sticks!!
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| Wednesday, April 18th, 2001
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11:27 am - One less houseguest
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Hey,,,,that was almost a rhyme. yeah, lost a roomie last night. He just came home with a friend said "Hey, I'm moving out" and left. I am not sure how I feel. I mean...if he paid up his rent to that point I may feel differently, if it hadn't taken him 3 weeks of hounding to pay his magically appearing long distance charges that kept popping up on our phone bill...I might feel differently...and if he hadn't whined and complained about needing a phone so bad and we got one installed and a month later he leaves us with 2 phone bills that he swears he will pay I wouldn't feel so bad. And if I could get my text-tense correct while I was writing this I wouldn't feel so bad. I guess he had been there long enough you know. So I am just going to let him go. He took his electric tools. So that kind of bites. Now I have to borrow a drill from work to finish my nifty garden fence. I suppose I can live through that though. By By Jimmy....I hope your new home enjoys your larger than life fish stories!!! hehehe. What else?? Garden, growing child in my belly....shit I was gonna say something else. I wrote a poem when I was a major druggie and have never forgotten it. I submitted it to a poetry contest a few months ago and they sent me a letter asking my permission to publish it...hmmmm what do you know?? I don't care...but I would prefer to just win the 10000 prize I was going for. I am entering recipe contests as well...I mean what the hell?? I have made up some good shit!! Someone might like it out there!! The tobacco companies own too much shit!! I am having a hard time not buying products from tobacco owned companies. I about lost it the other day when I learned Velveeta was made by Kraft...mmmmmmm velveeta...oh the horror!! But I have found that the Western Family variety works quite well as a substitute. Yet I have not found a good sub for Cheese filled Oscar Mayer (I had to sing the song so that I could remember how to spell it)(probly still wrong) hot dogs. I will continue my search. I just found out Rite-Aid was owned by Phillip Morris....Walgreens here I come!!!!
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| Tuesday, April 17th, 2001
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11:08 am - Taxes
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Ok, so I just filed my taxes...wait...not filed, filed for an extension. I guess I have to do that to avoid a late filing charge or something...so I filed that and I filed an installment agreement thing as well...I can't pull 2400 out of my ass. They wanted a valid excuse for why I needed an extension...I said Cuz I'm poor...I hope that is valid enough. Wow...if everyone one in my earnings category paid this much money in this year....fuck I don't even want to think about it...somewhere there is a lot of god damn money. For craps sake. I am taking a tax course in September...I am tired of not knowing everything there is to know about this subject and would really like to earn a little cashola on the side. I wonder if I could get away with not claiming what I make. I am probably incriminating myself right now...great...that is all I fucken need. Hey this is fun...I can just write and write about how I feel and then it is out. Just like that. ok, off to work again. Breaks over.
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| Thursday, February 15th, 2001
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1:05 pm - Just here
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Ok, so I am just here today. I just had the best orange (oinge) in the fricken world!! I had already had some good fettuccine...mmmmmmm. I am not pregnant or anything!! This week has been good. I mean, Carlos got a promotion at work so, a little more money per hour, a little happier to go to work. America's b-day is Sunday. I don't have much money so I am delaying the car payment for about 3 days. If we get a late charge Carlos is going to get pissed...but it is that or not have any money for America's bike. I hate money problems. I have stopped eating out during the week period. That will save us about 30 bucks a week. Now, if we could just not eat out on weekends I will be fine!!
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| Thursday, January 25th, 2001
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4:46 pm - Long day
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Oh god what a fricken day. America was up all night. Her fever finally broke but all she wanted to do all night is use her blowie-nosies and drink water. It is exhausting waking up time after time all night long. Today I am just plain weary. I have had hot flashes and fun female problems. Tanya got in a fight with Ewa again. I am torn between the two because I like them both very much but I think that Tanya will end up getting fired. I don't know why she always has to be so stubborn. Ewa has her strongpoints to though ( one is the fact that she sleeps with the boss) oh well. I am not going to let it bother me too much. It really is not worth it. Carlos and I have gotten along fine today...maybe he realizes that I really don't like to be around him when he is not eating out of the palm of my hand...hehehe. I make myself laugh!! But I have been very verbal with him lately. Telling him exactly what I feel about the way he is acting instead of trying to sugarcoat it. Anyhow, I have to say I am very happy to have discovered Classmates. I have found so many friends that I tried to let go of when I was younger. At this point in my life I am like why?? Why push people away just because I wasn't my happiest when I knew them? They didn't know that. According to many of them I was just being stuck up and ignoring them all these years....chaah!! Whatever!! So I have reunited with 5 people I thought I would never talk to again. I love it.
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| Tuesday, January 23rd, 2001
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3:06 pm - A little sad
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I am not feeling the happiest today. Carlos and I are not getting along well. I thought that being pregnant would help relieve some of the tensions that we have had since returning from Mexico. But, sometimes I just think it doesn't matter whether I am pregnant or not. Maybe I am just sensitive right now but the little comments and lashbacks that I keep getting on EVERYTHING are wearing me out. This pregnancy has been extremely difficult to start with and now it just seems to be getting harder and harder emotionally. I even found out I was having a boy...should be perfect one girl, one boy. I am scared and worried about that too. I mean, is my daughter still gonna love me the same?? Is she going to think I give the new baby too much attention?? It is going to be so hard for me to try and juggle my affections for each child. It is so important to me that one does not feel more loved/hated than the other. And to compound everything Carlos is making my life miserable...I am trying to work on things about me that I know annoy him but I do not see him trying to do anything...maybe he is, I don't know. I just keep seeing the same sneers, hearing the same comments over and over. I really hope it evens out. I had a dream about it and my psyche seems to think it will. Maybe though, it is just my subconscious hoping it will before I drive myself insane telling myself it is ok...that it doesn't matter. That everything will be better in a few minutes. That is all.
current mood:  crushed
current music: Don't close your eyes-Kix
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